looking up

Friends: Old and New, Gold and Blue

Growing up I had few friends, but those that I had I was close to. Not usually best friend close, or at least mutually so, but there was the occasional childhood friend that I'd do everything with. One of them, R, I still keep in touch with. When I get the rare chance to visit California again it's just like old times, as if hardly a moment has lapsed. Sure, our lives are wildly different now but nothing can make memories of talking in Monty Python voices while sword fighting on a trampoline in the backyard vanish. He's my longest, best friend (having known each other through our mom's since we were toddlers), and I'm glad we're still at the point where he's willing to fly out to be in my wedding.

Oh, yeah, I'm getting married, for those who didn't know. Crazy jump in LJ posts, yea?

Another friend, A, was the kid two houses down whenever I'd visit my grandparents. Two peas in a pod were we, like Danny Devito and Arnold (he was always very, very short). I haven't seen or spoken to him in a decade or more, but I always loved visiting over Christmas or summer in Oregon in order to see my friend.

In school I had... really no friends. I had people I'd hang out with, but I don't think I could call them friends. I wanted them to be, tried for it, but I never seemed to be that kid that people wanted to be friends with back. I was likable, sure, but not cool enough to be pals with.

Same went with church youth group. Lots of "friends", but no one really close. Even R, who went to the same church, had his own friends to hang out with, or football, or what have you. He was a couple years younger and when you're a teen that seems like a big deal, so I understood. I tried to make my own groups of friends but never did. The one group I connected with were a few years older and left soon for college while I was still stuck in highschool. Maybe I took it too seriously or over analyzed. Perhaps all kids had that feeling and we just didn't know that all we had to do was reach out and someone else would say "Finally, someone wants to be my best bud!" I don't know. I always saw lots of groups, inner circles of friends, and I was never in them. Always on the outskirts, like a stray electron passing between.

Even in Boy Scouts, I was the new guy, funny, likable, loyal, but never really part of that inner circle. 4+1 did not equal five. The next group I had a chance with was Theatre, and thatw as more successful. For a group that so centred on cliques, the outcasts made their own, and that was fun. Good friendships from there. Met my other best friend H there, and that was my second real best friend, someone who truly liked me for me and desired my company specifically, not just cause we were in the same social circle. It was a nice feeling.

I have had work friends occasionally, and still see one or two of them from time to time or catch up with them on FB. Casual friending, I suppose. However, it was from Faire that I really developed a sense for being in that inner circle. Being popular, well liked, desired, that was all very new for me and intoxicating. I've long since come off that high and back to reality, but at the time it was a much needed adrenaline boost to my self-confidence and growth. Came away with some lasting friendships, close and meaningful ones, and the better for it.

It is better to have a few true friends, than many people who will smile at you.
  • Current Mood
    thoughtful thoughtful

Back, maybe.

So Facebook tends to fulfill the majoirty of my "venting feelings" moments in life, but I will do my best to write things out more in the (relative) privacy of a lj. The more you read and write, the smarter a person is, I think.

(also hi)

So I was reading PVP Online today and the comic was about (amongst other things) Brent wanting to have sex with his wife but she was staying up late because she was raiding Black Temple in WoW. My first reaction was to think "Ah, too bad" if I were in his shoes. Then I began to ponder. That's not at all the sort of reaction I'd have if the genders were reversed. The other way around, the guy suddenly looks like an idiot and a tool, insensitive to his wife's needs and foolish for valuing video games over sex.
Is it that guys are more forgiving of this (hypothetical) bad behavior in women because they supposedly "hold the power" of sex, or are we just more forgiving over all?

This all reminds me of a shirt I want made, stating "Laid Before Raid".

Sweet Meteor

Sweet meteor
burning bright
Careless in your
downward flight
Burn hot and bright
and full of fire
Till time moves on
and passions tire
Mem'ry still seared
by your trailing wake
Were you captured
oh what I'd take!
Though flesh be scarred
by your heat
The pain would feel
as soft and sweet
Such flame grows short
Your wick not tall
And soon enough
the star must fall
looking up


Well, it's that time of year: the anniversary of my birth. This year...wow. Started off fantastic, had it's ups and downs, was great for a spell, then became one of the worse times of my life. Now....now my 24th year starts off with a clean apartment, a video I've been hired to make for a professional website, and maybe even a potential new job.

Emotionally I'm still a wreck, but I'm determined. I know what I want in life, and God help me, nothing will stop me from getting those things. I'm changing who I am...no.. improving who I am in order to accomplish that. Eliminating pet peeves, dedicating myself to my work, and renewing my heart in order to successfully capture my dreams...all of them. I can do it, and I will do it.

My 24th year of life will not be easy. It won't be the happy cakewalk in the beginning that my 23rd was. I got a great job, won a couple contests, got my awesome camera... A year and 9 days ago, give or take, Heather and I began courting. That....that was the highlight of the year, and one of the best moments of my life. I cherish those moments, and remember them as if they were yesterday.

A year in which I both progressed, and apparently regressed. A year of joy and frustration, love and sorrow. A year full of things I dreamed of, and a year with things I had always feared.

My 24th year will be a year of hope, at the end of a very long tunnel. The light is far, but strong, and piercing. As long as my eyes do not waver, I shall see the patch and follow it. As long as I do no falter and fail, I can and will achieve my heart's desire, and make myself and those around me proud. Most importantly, I shall devote the work, effort, and maturity necessary to it, factors that had been insufficiently given before, and caused me so much of the pain I feel now.

My 24th year will not be easy..... but nothing worthwhile ever is.

A ray of sun amidst the cold

Today was a good day. It is no small wonder that that which can cause me the lowest of lows can also cause me the greatest of highs, and every range between. The truth is, has always been, and will always be that the highs far, far outweigh those lows, and today was a good example of it.

I don't think I've ever had such delicious pot-stickers.

It feels good to smile.


I had a rare thing tonight. A perfect moment. TWO perfect moments in fact.

To clarify, I don't perfect as in perfectly happy, necessarily.

One was a perfect moment of intimacy and care between two people with a special love for each other. Somehow just the right words were given to me to say.

The second was a time that fit the situation perfectly.


There are 7 deadly sins (that are popular) they say, but what of the minor ones?

Worry, selfishness, jealousy, hypocrisy...

We're imperfect, but this does not prevent us from highlighting the imperfections of others.

We deserve judgment, even scorn it, yet cast judgment upon others in often the same breath.

All of us have planks in our eyes, when we point out the sliver in another's.

Yet what else can we do, for otherwise no one would ever have the freedom to give advice, counsel, or correction. For all of us are fools at times, all of us are wrong at times. We would all be isolated from the more objective words of others, whatever their motivation and reason behind speaking; the words themselves do not become invalid simply because of a tainted source. For none of us is a pure source, after all.

Worry not...and cast anxiety upon the higher power.